A Letter to Myself

Written by Charlie Martina

My Dearest Darling Charlie,

How are you? I miss you… I know you miss me, too. You don’t have to put on a show, you know, because I know you better than the others. We have a closeness that no one else shares – not lovers, friends or colleagues, not even old affairs.

I see you lying in your bed, looking at the clouds, noticing the weary daffodil sitting on your windowsill. You are wondering if spring will come still. You’re not the only one and I hope to God you see that.  Worldwide, people dream of thrills and lie defeated under the weight of Sunday evening chills – you are as good as anyone.

Look! The daffodil – she’s gasping for air. Whilst you stare at her blankly, I hear you whisper that she’ll probably die there… I feel a heavy tear roll down your cheek and make a tiny puddle on the bed sheets. You are sensitive and that’s okay. The noise is louder for you than most; it hurts your heart when you burn your toast and you wince when the doorbell rings with post. I believe you when you say you can’t make it through another day, but you must.

I’ve seen the unopened messages hiding in your phone… you must remember not to feel so alone. There are people out there – even the ones on TV are good enough at making you feel good enough. Try not to listen to the voice that speaks of inadequacy; though self-sabotage is in your makeup, your evil twin doesn’t always have to win.

I’ve seen the dirty laundry you haven’t had a chance to touch, and I wanted to write because I was wondering – is everything too much? I know you’ve lost your crutch, but you don’t need to clutch onto your past with such a tight grip. You’re changing, healing, evolving… you mustn’t beat yourself up over every little slip. Instead, know that you’re now better equipped to deal with any future blip.

It isn’t easy… I know this because I feel it, too. It’s awfully lonesome when you’re locked down and mostly feeling blue. You’re tired right now, I can see that. I see you crying late some nights and I don’t know how you do it. Keep going, my love, it’ll be worth it in the end. You needn’t drive yourself round the bend without seeking a friend or a chance to mend.

I know you’d rather be in Rome than sitting here at home, but we can’t go right now and that’s okay – we’ll find the silver lining on this oh-so-cloudy day. And though this day might actually last a week and that week might last a year, the twenty fears and million tears you overcome will be worth it in the end, my dear.  Indeed, the little girl inside you that comes out to play sometimes will quieten down some nights, too. Don’t feel rage towards her; she just wants to be loved. If you decide to go beyond and above to make sure she feels that way, you can rest assured that she too will rest someday. 

I know your reflection lies to you. The nasty mirror tells you you’re not worthy. But hey – she doesn’t know that much about you. She can pretend to or even befriend you with her wily ways, but when she tells you that there won’t be better days, she’s wrong. When she tells you your body is bad or that you must be mad for eating two slices of cake you must remember that she’s still wrong.

Remember when you were walking to get bread from the shop that day? You stopped to look at the butterfly that landed in such a delicate way on the bench next to you. It was so beautiful that you cried and in that moment, you couldn’t have tried to be more lovely. I saw a kindness in your eyes that reflected the gentleness of your sighs. Since others find these qualities hard to master, your delicate touches and sweet smiles are so often sought after. Repay those who love you by embracing your own laughter.

Healing is not linear. Whilst the steps you take may feel cyclical (and I wouldn’t blame you for thinking none of it is worthwhile) the lows and the depths of the despair you feel are just a part of the journey to heal. You’re sensitive and you’re fragile. But you’re also deeply beautiful and incredibly valuable.

The pureness you carry is clear, and your gentle heart will bring people near. You have nothing and everything to fear, so you might as well take delight in life and recognise that it can be paradise. 


The part of you that loves herself